A Life of Isolation and Fear
I am a twenty-one-year-old girl, and for as long as I can remember, my life has been filled with challenges. I come from a family of four sisters and my parents. My eldest sister is married, while my younger sister is not. However, I have always felt like the odd one out, struggling with fears that have shaped my perspective on life.
Since childhood, I have had an intense fear of men, except for my father. This fear stems from traumatic experiences when I was young. Some people in our neighborhood made me uncomfortable with their inappropriate actions. Though I didn’t fully understand at the time, I instinctively knew their intentions were wrong. I managed to escape those situations, but the fear remained.
A Home Without Warmth
Unfortunately, I never found solace at home. My parents were not the type to listen to problems; instead, they often resorted to scolding and punishment. Because of this, I learned to suppress my emotions and keep everything to myself. I had no friends, no one to confide in, and my home environment was far from nurturing.
We lived in a house where everyone kept to themselves. Conversations only happened when absolutely necessary. Growing up, I wasn’t allowed to play outside, and as a result, I spent my childhood confined within four walls. The rare times I stepped out, even a small delay in returning home led to severe punishments.
The Pain of Unfair Treatment
My mother’s discipline was particularly harsh on me. Unlike my siblings, I was subjected to extreme punishments for minor mistakes. If I failed to bring lunch to school, my food would be left untouched for days, and I was expected to eat it after it became spoiled. If I refused, I was beaten. As a child, whenever I cried, I would hide in dark corners, covering my mouth to avoid being heard, fearing further punishment.
A Household Filled with Conflict
My parents never shared a loving relationship. Since I became aware of the world, I have only seen them fight. They would argue for hours, shouting and screaming at each other. Even as we grew older, their fights never stopped. Witnessing this constant conflict made me develop a deep fear of marriage. I was afraid of ending up in a similar situation, afraid of turning into the kind of parents I grew up with.
This fear also affected my younger brother. He has openly declared that he never wants to marry, even though my father insists on it. For me, the idea of marriage is terrifying. Just hearing about it makes me physically ill—I shake uncontrollably, get fevers, and suffer from severe anxiety. I have visited multiple psychiatrists, but despite years of treatment, nothing has helped. My suicidal thoughts have worsened over time, and I find myself avoiding all interactions with men, including my own brother-in-law.
Searching for a Way Out
My mother’s behavior towards me has always been difficult to bear. She praises my siblings in front of others while constantly finding faults in me. Earlier, I used to protest and argue, but now I have become silent. The constant isolation has even made me sensitive to light—I can no longer stay outside for long periods.
Despite everything, I have held onto my faith. I regularly pray and read the Quran, finding some comfort in my spiritual practices. However, I feel lost and unsure of what to do next.
Seeking Advice and Hope
I do not wish to hear about marriage as a solution to my problems. Instead, I seek guidance on how to heal from my past, manage my fears, and build a life where I can find peace.
To anyone who reads this, I sincerely ask for advice—kind and thoughtful advice. I appreciate your time and understanding, and I thank you in advance for any support you can offer.